Closure
by darlingharbour
Summary: It's the closest thing Holly J. Sinclair will ever get to a happy ending.


**A/N: **Written somewhere around last December, I'm pretty sure. I didn't like how Holly J. and Spinner's friendship wasn't all that wrapped up. Well, not to my liking, anyway. Their few words at Spinner's wedding? Please. I needed more than that. So I wrote this, and hopefully it isn't too outdated.

~ Jamey.

**Closure**

Holly J. Sinclair doesn't believe in happy endings. She hasn't since she was nine years old and since then has grown up and discovered reality. She was_ living_ in reality, and because happy endings weren't a part of it, her faith in having her own fairytale disappeared and never came back. The stories she had heard as a child seemed futile now. Seemed desperate.

She never opened her Cinderella storybook again.

She does, however, believe in closure. Closure of all kinds. In relationships, parting with things she doesn't need any more, mistakes she made in the past, etc. It's the closest thing she'll ever get to a happy ending, so she makes the best out of it. Takes every opportunity she has to obtain it. It's completion. Vindication. She lives for both.

And today, she's going to get it from someone she hasn't spoken to in months.

Spinner.

As she waits for him at the newly rebuilt Dot, she quakes with nervousness. They haven't seen each other since his wedding (it's still extremely hard for her to think of him as married, especially married to _Emma_) and even then they hadn't spoken more than a few words to each other. Before that, at Declan's pool party, he had yelled at her to shut up.

She had never seen him so livid. She was scared then and she's scared now.

What if he doesn't accept her apology? What if he's still holding a grudge against her for not telling him about Jane's unfaithfulness? What if he doesn't even show because he's still mad at her?

And then she considers the unthinkable: what if she isn't his 'J anymore? What if he refers to her as the ever-so formal Holly J. now? If he does, that only means one thing. That means he's given up on her and has moved on from the friendship they had forged over the period of time she had spent working with him at the place she was now. The friendship she remembered being so grateful for, because back when she drove everyone away he was the only person who tried to get through to her. The only one who saw her for who she was and not who she pretended to be.

If he calls her anything except 'J, then she knows he's walked away from the closeness he had had with her. If he calls her anything except 'J… he's done with her completely.

And if he is, she won't blame him, really. She might be a little devastated, maybe a lot, but she knows he has a reason to burn her from his life. She had kept the secret that his girlfriend cheated on him for months when she was supposed to be a close friend.

Now, if he attends her little 'reunion' and admits that their friendship is dead then she'll agreeably fill out the 'do not resuscitate' clause.

More anxious, contemplative minutes go by before the entrance opens and the bell hanging above the door rings to indicate someone's either left or come in. Biting her lip as a habit she had picked up from Anya, Holly J. turns around to see if he's there. And wouldn't you know it, he is.

Just the sight of him makes her stomach do back flips and her heartbeat rapidly accelerate. She tries to get herself under control, but before she knows it, he's seen her and is making his way over to her table. She wheels back around in her seat and swallows. She's afraid of how he'll greet her, but at the same time she can't wait for him to. It's been so long since he's said more than a feeble, insincere sentence to her and now she's wondering if that'll change or not.

"Hey…" Spinner's sudden voice makes her jump. She was expecting it but still was unused to hearing him speak, let alone to her directly.

She tucks her bangs behind her ear and peers up at him. He's smiling, but it's obviously apprehensive. She hasn't seen him this unnerved since his speech to Jane at the Valentine's Day dance.

"Hi, Spin." She hadn't been planning on addressing him by what she used to, but apparently her mouth was unattached to her brain, and it had automatically come out. To keep him from dwelling on it and realizing she still feels the same way about him as she had before, she clears her throat and says "please sit."

He complies and just having him before her is strange. Have they fallen so much out of each other's lives that they are like aliens to one another now? She hopes that he'll forgive her, and they can go back to familiarity again.

"So…" he begins awkwardly, but is too kind to leave it at that, so for her sake he adds, "I haven't seen you in a while," and smiles as if he's glad to see her again.

Maybe he is, but Holly J. doesn't want to get her hopes up.

"I know," she agrees, her hands fidgeting and her eyes avoiding his, which is unfair because she's asked him here and she should show him that she's somewhat over what has happened, but she find she can't do that yet. If she meets his gaze, she will most likely start rambling on and on about stuff that isn't even related to what she's here to say. Although it's a small chance she will, she doesn't want to scare him off.

"How are you?" she asks, genuinely wanting to know, "how's… Emma?"

Spinner bobs his head, rubs at his chin – something he has always done to show he's uncomfortable. Holly J. sighs to herself. She had never thought she would ever be the one to cause him such uneasiness.

"I'm fine," he answers, a bit more smoothly, "and Emma…she is too." He hesitates before continuing. "We just bought out a house, actually. It's perfect. It's not too close to her parents, but it's not too far away, either. Plus, the rent is pretty cheap, and with her…taking online courses and stuff, we're doing pretty well."

She nods, amazed for two reasons. One: she's happy for him, and two: he's told her more than she had anticipated him to; especially since it was their first encounter in four months.

"That's great," she says, smiling, "Spinner Mason, all grown-up."

He gives a small laugh and extends his arm to reach for the salt and pepper set with which he remembers fooling around. "How about you?"

"I'm all right. Except for the fact that I'm moving into another…house, nothing's really changed for me. I'm still aiming for Yale, and I'm only vice-president of the school body, now."

She isn't sure if she should also mention that her and Declan have broken up, but she decides not to risk the progress they've made so far.

Spinner's jaw partially drops open in surprise because having her demoted from president to vice-president is quite unbelievable. "How could _you_ not win again? Who the heck could run against you and succeed?"

Laughing a bit, she says, "Sav, apparently," and then he's laughing too because he didn't expect _Sav_, of all people.

"Sav? Sav Bandhari?" He makes it seem like it's the funniest thing he's ever heard. "How did he manage that?"

Holly J. just shrugs and smiles because seeing him as happy as he was before the whole Jane/Declan fiasco gives her hope that maybe things _can_ go back to normal.

Of course, not entirely back to normal, seeing as he has a real job (and grudgingly, so does she, if Little Miss Steaks counts) and a wife. But perhaps they can start keeping in touch after this.

At least via texting or email. Maybe even weekly or biweekly visits to each other's workplaces or something. Anything of that arrangement.

Finally, after several minutes of continuous laughter, Spinner sobers up. "I'm sorry," he says, "I just can't believe he'd win over you. I mean, I like the guy, he's my friend, but the last time I checked, no one was able to beat Holly J. Sinclair."

And there it is. He's said her name, but it's only to give emphasis on what he's saying. She doesn't have to worry, not yet at least. There's still some chance that at the end of this conversation, they'll divert back into their old, proverbial state.

"Well, I guess the undefeatable Holly J. Sinclair has been defeated. It doesn't matter, though. All I'm worried about now are the S.."

Silence takes over, and for a brief second, Holly J. is only now aware of what's happening around her. Across the room, Claire and Alli are catching up after not having seen each other due to Alli's leaving Degrassi, Peter and Anya are oddly sharing a milkshake (she'll have to ask about that later), and the 'three tenners', as they're known, are sitting at a table and discussing all things dorky.

She shakes her head, because though it already seems like a typical Friday afternoon, having Spinner with her makes it even more of a typical Friday afternoon. Just forget the fact that he's married and you would think that it was back to last year. Before the Dot had burned down and before things had changed drastically thanks to one Declan Coyne. When they had been working here, wearing matching T-shirts, aprons, and serving drinks to ungrateful degenerates like Derek and Bruce.

Yes, she missed that atmosphere, but she missed the one she had personally shared with Spinner more. When they could talk about anything, even before he had been shot, and would fool around in the kitchen before lock-up.

She exhaled and remembered that she had a purpose in getting Spinner to meet her here. "Look, Spin," she says, regaining her focus, "I…I asked you to come here for a reason. I'm sure you know what it is, but I just want to say that…if you think any of what I'm going to say is insincere, then you can leave. You can get up and walk away from me. I won't blame you. You can hate me and you can never speak to me again and I won't blame you."

He remains still, his expression dead serious as he listens to what she has to say.

"I want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. For everything. For what I kept from you, from what I did to hurt you. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, I was-"

He interjects her before she can finish. "Can I ask you something?" His voice is deep and solemn. She nods slowly.

"Why…why did you do it? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I…" she swallows the forming lump in her throat. She's remembering everything. His wedding, the pool party, Jane begging her not to tell, catching Declan and Jane together… Spinner in the hospital room after the hold-up. It takes everything she has for the words to come out. "I…Jane was the first friend that I ever had that I could appreciate. Aside from Anya, she was someone I considered myself close to."

He doesn't know where this is going, but he wants to know. He doesn't interrupt, noticing her now glassy eyes.

"And when…when I found out about her and…" she can't say his name, not around Spinner, but he just nods, indicating he knows who she means, "I threatened to tell. Honestly, I did. I was so confused and betrayed, because she was supposed to treat you right, and I was supposed to make sure she did, and I just wanted to tell you. She pleaded with me not to, and I don't know why, but I agreed.

"I agreed that if she didn't tell you sooner or later, I would. I know it seems stupid now, but back then I didn't know who I should be loyal to: you, the one person whose understood me for as long as we've known each other, or her, the one friend I had who easily accepted me for who I am. I just didn't know…"

By the time she's finished, tears are escaping her. She hasn't cried in a while, never before in front of somebody else, and the fact that that somebody happens to be Spinner Mason doesn't make it any less embarrassing.

"I'm so sorry," she says again, wiping at her eyes furiously. She looks around to see if anyone is watching. No one is, so she just concentrates on Spinner, who's looking to her as if it had just dawned on him that she _had_ felt guilty about not telling him, and wasn't just saying so for her own sake. She did mean it, and chances are, if she could do it all over again, she would've told him about Declan and Jane as soon as she found out. At the time she was just…confused. Torn between two friends that she didn't want to hurt or be hurt.

"I know it doesn't justify anything," she says, calm now, although still shaky, "but I…I just wanted you to know…"

"It's OK, " Spinner says, cutting her off before she can apologize again, "I'm still a bit wounded, but I'm okay."

A bit uncertainly, he reaches for her hand that's set upon the surface of the table and holds it. "I appreciate you telling me all of this. Really, I do. I believe you when you say you meant to tell me. I'm sorry too, for the way I yelled at you at the pool party, but I was upset. You understand why."

He breathes in and out and utters the four little words she's been longing to hear. "I forgive you, 'J."

And that's all she needs to realize that closure isn't necessarily an ending. It's acceptance, moving on for the better.

A happy beginning.


End file.
